Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
did i walk over a car last night?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
