that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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