im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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