The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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