she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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