You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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