I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
