mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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