on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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