I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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