Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
