I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
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