WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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