Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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