I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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