I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
And then he peed in my hair
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