and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
