need another drink. this is the easiest way
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
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