My friends, they love my intelligence
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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