Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
