Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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