Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize