I just saw a hot homeless man
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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