You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
