I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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