I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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