Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
