I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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