I am spending my child support on dildos
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
