sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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