Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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