she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize