she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
