If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize