I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
its liver damage thursday
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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