Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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