I will die if light touches me.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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