I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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