I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
