I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
