I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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