Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
