So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
