i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
