Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Randomize
