Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
