just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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