We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize