Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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