im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
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