Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize