party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just made my gag reflex go away.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
