My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
