"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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