I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
