Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
