i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
