I seem to have left my pride at pride
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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