and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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