I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
