Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
