At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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