We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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