You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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