doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
