I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
