Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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