Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
