Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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