I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
